I Just Wanna Say I'm Not Afraid... Anymore

This week has not been the best week for me. During the last futsal session on tuesday, I was playing goalkeeper. Just a few minutes into that round, I was left with a one-on-one with the opposing striker. I moved forward to cover the angle of the shot and reduce his chances of scoring. The next events happened so quickly that I was lying on the ground in a matter of seconds.

According to Dennis, the striker, had booted the ball towards goal with his toe. Being a goalkeeper in my secondary school days, the natural reaction was to dive towards the ball while swinging my arms. I think I had covered my angle well because although I did not block the shot, it hit the post and bounced back towards my hand. My left hand was already opening up to brace my fall on the synthetic turf when the ball came crashing into my straightened fingers. The first thought that came into my mind was that the ball was going to bounce off me and into the goal and our team would be out. Dennis says I'm crazy.

Thats when everything in my body started screaming in discomfort. Before I realised it, I was on my back clutching my left hand, eyes clenched shut as if the light would make it worse. Usually it would take 10 seconds, or less, for any knock that I received on the pitch to subside. This lasted 20... 30 seconds... a minute... 3 minutes... I didn't realise how much time had passed because I was fighting off wave after wave of the pounding pain. I could hear the guys around me telling me to get off the pitch so that they could continue with the game. I somehow found myself sitting outside the pitch nursing my fingers which seemed to be keeping straight on their own, almost in rebellion to the instructions of my body, after the trauma they received.

It is interesting to note that even through the dizzy haze of discomfort, dread and fear were still vivid and clear. What would happen to my fingers? Would I be able to play an instrument ever again? What good am I to God if He's called me to music and I can't play?

The line separating my talent and my self-worth became a blur.

I guess this is the reminder that I needed. That even if I lost every talent and anointing that He gave me, I would still be alright. He's convinced me that it is not the end of my calling. That my worth is not tied to what I have to give. That I always have Jesus. We are all looking for Love, Acceptance and Purpose, and when things look like we've lost our way, we start to panic. The needle of our compass goes beserk, and it drives us nuts. We try so hard to make it right. We forget that we can navigate by the stars.

Pastor Prince spoke yesterday about making Jesus the centre of every situation. He made me cry. Because God was speaking to me through him. Telling me to put Jesus in the middle of my crisis. About keeping my heart right in the area of worship, remembering that it is about Jesus and His people. About talents that cannot stop growing when we invest it in His Kingdom. So broken finger or not... I'm fulfilling my calling! I've got the stars.